Decisions

Today I decided to stay at home instead of going with Anna to a friend’s gathering in Malibu. Normally this would have, or at least could have, been a simple decision to make. Because I love being at home alone, in my own little world. And when living in a small (if not tiny) house like this, together with another person, moments like that when you get it all to yourself are so so valuable. And even though I love meeting people, and can be quite sociable whenever needed – while enjoying it too! – many times I would prefer being on my own rather than going to a gathering of people (unless this gathering would be with my group of close friends…and they are all far far away, most of the time, nowadays).

Today, however, it didn’t feel as easy. Or self-evident. I have spent enough time on my own here in the house those last few months, that I actually cherish the chance to get out and meet new people. To go out on a little excursion, together. To get to talk to people I don’t know, hear about life outside of my own head, so to speak. I really felt like that would have been a nice thing, to do, today.

But. I had had the plan for today and tomorrow quite clearly outlined. I right now have 10,000 words left to write for the NaNoWriMo-challenge I am participating in. And…even though I woke up this morning with the feeling of “screw it, it’s not worth the “fight”” (as in, feeling slightly stressed about it all), I quickly bounced back to feeling that it is, in fact, definitely worth it. So much worth it that I will stick to the original plan and stay at home today, in the name of Writing.

I guess it is when it starts getting a little harder to stay with a decision made, that you show yourself if you’re really up to it, or not. I had the same experience a couple of times these last weeks, in terms of my choice to not fly. I have been at the LA airport – LAX – two times lately, once to pick up Anna at her return from Sweden, and once to drop off Anna’s brother and his partner for their return to the UK last Sunday. And maybe just because it’s something I believe that I will never “have” to do again, ever, maybe just because of that, the atmosphere and vibe from all the travelers suddenly felt so…nudging and tempting almost. Historically, airports have been super stressful and anxious-giving places to me, at least the last seven years or so. But now…I almost envied the travelers a bit. A feeling that definitely surprised me, and actually intrigued me as well.

Because now it will be interesting to see how I will handle this. Was my pledge to not fly so “easy” (not really though) to make just because I’m so afraid of it – and then, if I now instead feel a bit tempted by it, will that make it harder to do my utmost best to keep myself on the ground? Will it make me prioritize differently, not the least economically speaking (as in making necessary sacrifices in order to afford to go home to Sweden without any airplanes involved), if I suddenly feel a tad bit drawn to the flying-world again?

Who knows? I don’t. And I am curious to see where this will all lead. For today, the fact that I am now sitting here, writing, tells me that, on this microscopic level, I am ready to stick with my choices and goals. And that itself is a practice that feels valuable to me, right now. Until it’s not – another time the most valuable practice might be to NOT stick with a chosen path, to pratice flexibility instead; depending on our circumstances we need to adapt our practice to what we need the most, at that particular moment. For now, here, follow through with a decision is what I need. At least that’s what my gut feeling is telling me to do. So I do it.

Staying at home, staying on the ground. Those are things I will stick to today. How about you?

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